Ask the Cullens
by bemystar
Summary: Cullen fanmail. Fun, fun.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Rosalie,

Just so you know, that shirt you wore on Tuesday made you look incredibly fat. No shit.

From,

Emmettisawesome!1234567890

Dear Emmettisawesome!1234567890,

No _way_! You really think so? Where exactly did I look fat the most? This can't be happening! NO! I can't take this anymore! God, where's Jasper when you need him!

* * *

Dear Edward,

I'm starting to get suspicious about your current relationship with your precious Volvo. I think they're more than just a "Car and Driver friendship" going on… Are you cheating on Bella? Oh my God. You are. Wait till I post this on my blog – 

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. Just answer the dang question. But keep this in your mind, Edward: I've got my eyes on you.

Sincerely (or shall I say, suspiciously),

I'mWatchingYou100

Dear I'mWatchingYou100,

I've already contacted the asylum. Don't worry; you and your sick little fantasies will be erased from your sick little brain by the end of your two-week treatment. Repeat after me: EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OKAY. My Volvo and I are friends and nothing more than just friends.

(Volvo: -sob-)

Edward

* * *

Dear Jasper,

You are so incredibly amazing. I don't even know you, and I'm madly in love with you. Is that wrong? Oh, and do you wanna know a secret? I told Alice you're gay so she'll dump you. Now you'll be mine, all mine! Muhahaha.

Hugs and kisses,

i-LoVe-JaSpEr-HaLe-x0x0

Dear i-LoVe-JaSpEr-HaLe-x0x0,

I think you're crazy. I'm not gay! I s-s-swear! I like b- I mean, girls! Yeah, girls! Alice!

P.S. Secrets aren't nice. I'm telling Esme! You're gonna get in trouble. Ha!

* * *

Dear Alice,

Take me shopping with you! Please?

Love,

obsessiveshopper

Dear obsessiveshopper,

Heck no! Sorr-ay, but my shopping time is _my own_ special time. I don't care if you're about to fall off a cliff, no one, and I repeat – NO ONE – can take me away from shopping. It's a very important experience to me. And it cannot be shared with anyone.

… Unless you happen to have an extra gift card to Nordstrom. I could use one of those right now. Wait… – sees vision – YOU DO! How about Saturday? There better still be money left on that card. And I'll... try... to remember to get you something to. Even though it's your own money. But, that's what shopping does to ya!

See you Saturday,

Alice

* * *

Deer Carlyzle,

I kan't pronownce ur nayme. Heelp?

Sinserily,

irawkattspeeling

Dear er,… irawkattspeeling,

Just stick with some cheesy nickname like Coleslaw or Car-island for now, like Emmett. And half the rest of the world. -sigh-

Carlisle

* * *

Dear Edward,

Ugh, were you serious when you agreed to sleeping with Bella if she married you? First of all – why on earth would you want _her_ to marry _you_? And second of all, I can only imagine the horror going through you when you finally broke down and said you'd actually _do it_ with her. Poor you. I could fulfill your fantasies so much better, more deeply. It would be an experience to remember.

Love,

XxE.C.is.HOTxX

Dear XxE.C.is.HOTxX,

Oh my God! Why do all the_ insane_ fangirls write to me! That's none of your business. I want Bella, and she wants me, in every way. Do you have a _problem_ with that? -growls-

Not-so-sincerely,

Edward

* * *

Dear Edward,

Are you calling me insane? Huh? Are you!

From,

XxE.C.is.HOTxX

Dear XxE.C.is.HOTxX,

Yes. Yes, Iam.

Edward

* * *

**A/N:** Haha, that was fun. I might continue this, I dunno. Hope you all liked it!


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Emmett,

I can't imagine you going to medical school…. Or any school, for that matter. How was it?

Sincerely,

emculluvx3

Dear emculluvx3,

Don't tell Coleslaw, but I actually faked it. Yep, that's right, I faked 6 years of boring medical school. Don't ask me how.

Emmett

* * *

Dear Emmett,

So, how'd you fake med school for 6 years?

From,

emculluvx3

Dear emculluvx3,

I told you not to ask! But, now that you did, here's how: I didn't do much of anything, except for a. admire my car, b. make out with Rosalie, or c. plot evil schemes with Jasper to pull on Edward. As for the diploma, I just bought a forged one of the internet.

Remember, don't tell Coleslaw!

Emmett

* * *

Dear Coleslaw,

Are you aware that your son Emmett has faked his 6 years of medical school?

From,

emculluvx3

Dear emculluvx3,

What? Um, no I was most certainly_not _aware of this. Oh Emmett, if only he knew what he was getting himself into. That silly, foolish boy. He is now in serious danger of losing a very nice Jeep.

Sincerely,

Carlisle (a.k.a. Coleslaw)

* * *

Dear Jasper, Edward, & Emmett,

Which artist do you like the best – Soulja Boy, J-Holiday, or Michael Jackson?

Love,

ilikeboys

Dear ilikeboys,

Jasper: I gotta say my homeboy J-Holiday, his voice is so silky smooth… like ice cream… mmm…

Edward: SOULJA BOY. Heck, yeah.

Emmett: It's a toss up between Michael Jackson and Soulja Boy. Jackson's a classic, I mean, _Thriller!_, but Crank That is irresistible.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, I've decided, I'm continuing this thing. Haha. Sorry this one's a little short, I'll try to add more of them in each chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Emmett,

Sorry for getting your Jeep taken away. Do you like golf?

Love,

emculluvx3

Dear emculluvx3,

Nah, golf's way too wimpy for me – I'm a hockey guy. It's more fast and furious; intense. Cause that's what I am. Fast and furious. Like an irritated grizzy… except for maybe I don't taste as good. Maybe with some salt?

As for the Jeep, I don't forgive you. She was my… my… my baby! O-other than Rose of course. 

Emmett

* * *

Dear Edward,

Can I call you Eddie?

Love ya,

Eddieiscool

Dear Eddieiscool,

No, you can't call me Eddie, under any circumstances. The name Eddie brings back some bad memories. Don't remind me about it.

Edward

* * *

Dear Emmett,

What is the bad memory Edward has with the name Eddie?

Love,

Eddieiscool

Dear Eddieiscool,

Well, you asked for it…

So, a while back, in like the 70's, Edward and I were on our way home from a hunting trip. We were walking – slow for a vampire, but pretty fast for a human – when we passed a lady with her head stuck out the window and screamed in a mocking voice, "Eddie! Don't forget to bring a condom when you're doing it with your _boyfriend_!" and then, under her breath (no one human could hear, but we could since we're super-awesome vampires, we could) she muttered, "Not that there's gonna be a next time. I can't believe he's gay!"

Edward stood there, kinda shocked, and after a moment – of mind reading, I presume – he turns to me and says, "Okay, she was _not_ talking to me, and Emmett, you are never allowed to call me Eddie."

I don't know why the guy got so mad about it. But he still cringes whenever someone calls him that. I just do it to make him mad. But I have a feeling that there was more to the story in the girl's head that Edward heard, so just in case, don't call him that. Edward has one hell of a temper.

Love,

Emmett

* * *

Dear Edward,

What are your opinions on Paris Hilton?

From,

another-edward-fangirl

Dear another-edward-fangirl,

I think she needs to get a real life. But Emmett, on the other hand, hooked up with her once. But don't tell Rosalie, she'll strangle him for it.

… Actually, please do tell Rosalie. He deserves a beating right now.

Edward (and not Eddie)

* * *

Dear Rosalie,

Emmett went out with Paris Hilton, did ya know that? Huh? Did you? Isn't that hysterical??

From,

Yousuck9837522

From Yousuck9837522,

Oh my God! I'm going to strangle him. I'm gonna strangle Paris too. What a husband-stealing, drunk ass whore! (But don't tell her I said that. We were friends in "high school".)

Rosalie

* * *

Dear Paris Hilton,

Did you know that Rosalie Hale called you a husband-stealing, drunk ass –

Oh wait. You're not there, are you.

* * *

Dear Esme,

Can you paint me a pretty picture pwease?

From,

pictures-are-cool10

Dear pictures-are-cool10,

Of course I would! Do you want a flower? Or a cute little doggie? Or perhaps you'd like a picture of a nice sunset? Or maybe all three combined? I'm already half way done!

Love,

Esme

* * *

Dear Alice,

You should dye your hair blonde. That would be sweet.

Signed,

Iloveblondes

Dear Iloveblondes,

I don't think that would be a good idea. I'd look like Rosalie… and, well, you get what I'm saying. Who wants to resemble a pigheaded egotistical drama queen?

Sincerely,

Alice

* * *

Dear Edward,

So how long is the size of your p–

Um, n-never mind, so how are you on this fine day?

From,

Anonymous1000

Dear Anonymous1000,

Okay, I am going to ignore that first part of your question. -shudder-

Anyway, I was fine about a minute ago, until I heard Rosalie's thoughts when she read Alice's response to the question above this one. That's when things got ugly.

* * *

Dear Edward,

Can you ask Jacob if he's single? I think I would certainly be worthy of his wolfy-uber-sexiness.

From,

Jakes-biggest-fan

Dear Jakes-biggest-fan,

Just reading that made me gag. But I'll be sure to ask him. At least it will finally give him something to drool about other than a naked Bella. I'm the _only one_ that has permission to think about that.

Edward

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, 3 chapters in 2 days. I'm great, aren't I?

_Aren't _I?


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Edward,

Do you chew gum?

From,

strideismyfaveforchewing103497490

Dear strideismyfaveforchewing103497490,

No. It tastes rank. Emmett does it sometime, though, just because… well, actually, I don't know. From what I can pick from his mind (which usually isn't much) he likes the "sensation" and "chewiness" of it. I guess you'll have to ask him about that one.

Edward

* * *

Dear Bella,

I guess you're a Cullen now. -pout- So, is Edward any good? And I know you know what I'm sayin', girl.

From,

justanotheredwardfangirl

Dear justanotheredwardfangirl,

He's not good, he's freaking amazing. When he said "I could kill you, Bella" that night when I agreed to be his wife, I didn't think he was serious. I _almost _died. He's just that good.

Bella

* * *

Dear Esme,

Can you cook?

Love,

ilikecookies

Dear ilikecookies,

I wish I could. But the last time I tried cooking, Bella said something along the lines of "I hate to say this, but what kind of potato salad is this?"

It was pizza.

Love,

Esme

* * *

Dear Edward,  
If you dump Bella (which I am sure you won't) will you date me? Please?? I'll even give you a pet sponge! Please Edward!  
From,  
Edward-Cullen-Is-Beyond-Sexy (don't you just love my name?)

Dear Edward-Cullen-Is-Beyond-Sexy,

First of all, I do not just love your name. Second, I'm not leaving Bella, so it's a moot point.

Heh. I just love that word. Moot.

And another thing – I hate sponges.

Edward

* * *

Dear the Cullens,

Do you like my song??1!1!!111

Apples are red

Blueberries are blue

Vampires are awesome

And if you're a human you aren't.

P.S. You're supposed to say the last line really really fast so it sounds cool and awesome and like a real song.

Love,

vampirewannabeperson

Dear vampirewannabeperson,

Edward: You call that a song? It sucks. It's got no flow, the lyrics are terrible, and it's got only for four lines. I do not approve.

Emmett: Wow, that's awesome! Do you know when you're gonna release your album?

-silence-

I'm serious…

Jasper: Eh. No offense, but I gotta agree with Edward. But I'll make it up to you; here's some FREE calmness. -calmcalmcalm-

Rosalie: Vampires are so _not_ awesome. I wish I was a human. Why did I have to have this eternal curse? WHY?? -sobsobsob-

Alice: Psh, theres nothing about shopping in it. I hate it.

Bella: Sweet.

Esme: Aw, try again sweetie. I think if you add onto it, it could be wonderful!

Coleslaw: Huh. I don't like it.

* * *

Dear Bella,

Do you think I can have Edward for a night or two? Maybe I could borrow your clothes and do you could dye my hair and get me contacts and put some makeup on me, and I could totally pass as you! Oh em gee, this is gonna be awesome!! SQUEE!

From,

Bella-butnotreally

Dear Bella-butnotreally,

Um. No. My Edward is not something to be shared. Rawr.

* * *

Bella

Dear Alice,

Do you know what I'm gonna wear tomorrow?

Love,

oh-i-wish-i-was-a-psychic

Dear oh-i-wish-i-was-a-psychic,

-sees vision- YEEEEESS.

You shall wear a black lacy corset that was bright pink polka dots, and a plaid super-mini skirt with fishnet tights and combat boots. You're gonna tease your hair a whole lot and give yourself totally fake highlights. It's gonna be aweshum, trust meh.

Alice

* * *

Dear Alice,

Okay, I wore that to school. People called me a slut and prostitute and whore and stripper and a whole bunch of synonyms for those words. Why did you do that to me?? _Why_? Now I have the reputation of slut, AND people think I'm insane because I tell them that a psychic told me to wear it.

No love from me,

oh-i-wish-i-was-a-psychic

Dear oh-i-wish-i-was-a-psychic,

Oh. Oops. Apparently that was Britney Spears's supposed outfit, not yours.

My bad.

Alice

* * *

Dear the Cullen BOYS,

Which one of you is the best in bed?

Love (or, lust)

lalalalailoveboys

Dear lalalalailoveboys,

Edward: Me, obviously. I can read your mind and give you exactly what you want.

Jasper: Nuh uh, it's me – even if I do realllly bad (which I DON'T), I can make you feel like its realllly really good.

Emmett: Shut up guys, we ALL know I'm the best in bed. Or anywhere, really. Kitchen counter's fun too, but don't tell Esme, she'd freak.

* * *

Dear Esme,

Emmett likes to have sex on your kitchen counter.

From,

lalalalailoveboys

Dear lalalalailoveboys,

Oh Goodness no! He just never learns. _No _one messes around on MY countertops. There is no amount of Lysol in the WORLD that will ever make that kitchen ever feel the same way again.

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry that took FOREVER. Hope y'all like it.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Edward,

What do you think of Patrick Dempsey?

Love,

Pat-and-Ed-lover

Dear Pat-and-somethingsomething,

You mean McDreamy? I'll tell you what he is, he's one hot hunk of… well, hotness.

… Er, except for you of course, my darling, beautiful, (but still not Patrick) Bella.

From,

Edward

* * *

Dear Edward,

Honest to blog, you're GAY?!

yes-finally-hes-mine

Dear yes-finally-hes-mine,

Don't tell Bella.

Love,

Edward

* * *

Dear Emmett,

Can I have you if I sing "Smack That" to you wearing a really smutty black leather strapless corset and microscopic matching boy shorts and combat boots and a leather whip and handcuffs? Please? I'm begging you. Screw Rosalie. (And I do not mean that literally) How can you think she's pretty anyway?

Love,

i-love-me-some-emmett111

Dear She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Named,

How DARE you question the authority of Rosalie Lillian Cullen/Hale/McCarty?! Thou shalt perish in the deepest, fiery pits of hell.

(Just kidding.)

But the answer is no.

Emmett

* * *

Dear Alice?

Hi? Well, the thing is, I have this problem? And it's where I say or type everything like it's a question? So I simultaneously add question marks after every sentence? Yeah, my therapist can't help me, but can you??

From?

HELP-ME?

Dear HELP-ME?,

Try just erasing the question marks after you "simultaneously" write them down, and just hit the delete button on the keyboard (if you're using a typewriter, well, touch luck) after you type them.

I know, I rock at these advice column thingies.

Random OCD guy on the street: IT'S NOT CALLED A FUDGIN' ADVICE COLUMN, THIS IS FANMAIL. GOD.

… Anyway, good luck.

Love,

Alice

* * *

Dear Edward,

I always sleep with my Funshine Carebear. I am 19 years old. Does that turn you off?

Love,

carebears-r-kool

Dear carebears-r-kool,

You slept with a stuffed animal? Wow, I didn't know you could have sex with an inanimate object. I'll have to try that sometime. (Don't tell Bella…)

Edward

* * *

Dear Coleslaw,

Wanna play doctor?

Love,

deargodihopehesgaytoo

Dear deargodihopehesgaytoo,

Well, depending upon your username, I think I'll say _no_.

-runs away-

Carlisle

* * *

Dear Edward,

What are your "boundaries" when it comes to sleeping with vampires you've only known for less than 24 hours?

Signed,

youdontwannaknow

Dear youdontwannaknow,

Um… That depends.

Oh who am I kidding, if they're hot, there are NO boundaries. (Don't tell Bella!)

Edward

* * *

Dear Emmett,

So… what happened at Wal-Mart? Why does Edward say I can't take you there? Sad face.

Love,

lets-go-to-walmart

Dear lets-go-to-walmart,

Well, since you asked… Rosalie and I got really bored this one day and so I went over to Wal-Mart to see if they had any… toys. Apparently, the cranky old cashier guy thought I was fooling around and making too much noise and so he called Edward (How he knew Edward's _phone number_, I do not know. Nor do I really want to.) and complained to him – the way they talked, you'd think they'd been friends (or more) for years. Anyway, I then got banned from every Wal-Mart (and associated stores such as K-Mart) in the town. It kinda sucks.

Love,

Emmet


	6. Chapter 6

Dear My Favorite Boys,

What's your favorite word?

HUGS AND KISSES,

thehumandictionary

Dear thehumandictionary,

Emmett: Cock...pit. Cockpit. I like planes.

Edward: Narcissistic! -pulls out compact mirror-

Jasper: Periwinkle. It's just such a pleasant word.… What? W-why are you staring at me like that?

Carlisle: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. It is a factitious word alleged to mean 'a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust causing inflammation in the lungs'. And then there's another one, the third chemical name for "Coat Protein, Tobacco mosaic virus, Dahlemense Strain". Except in it's complete form, the word is approximately 1185 letters, so I don't really think I could spell it out for you right here.

* * *

Dear M.F.B.,

Favorite song?

Hugs and kisses,

thehumandictionary

Dear T.H.D.,

Emmett: "I Wanna Do Something Freaky To You" by Leon Haywood. Seriously, search it.

Edward: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…

Jasper: "Bubbly" by Colbie Calait! She rocks my little, white newly dry-cleaned socks!

* * *

Dear M.F.B.,

Fave movie?

H&K,

T.H.D.

Dear T.H.D.,

Emmett: Anything with Jessica Alba in it.

Edward: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. All the blood and gore just makes me so hungry, though…

Jasper: Finding Nemo... or, er, I mean, -deep voice- Yeah, I gotta agree with Edward, massacres are just sooo …fun to watch.

* * *

Dear Edward,

Why have you turned so egotistical, narcissistic, self-centered, conceited, vain, stuck-up, … gee it sure is fun to search up synonyms for those words… anyway, I don't think your head will be able to fit through the door if you keep this up!

From (you don't deserve my love),

jasper-does-it-better

Dear jasper-does-it-better (gag),

I'll ignore those big words I don't know and just answer the question.

Ya wanna know why?

Do you _realllly_ wanna know?

REALLY, truly, do you want to know??

It's Bella's fault! -runs off-

Love (not that you deserve it),

Edward

Dear Bella,

Why has Edward turned so… well, I'm not gonna go through the trouble of actually writing all those words… you know.

From,

jasper-does-it-better

Dear jasper-does-it-better,

I think it might be from my consistent positive response while we're…

I mean, maybe he just thinks he's so cool because I…

Um.

Ask me later.

Bella

* * *

Dear my favorite boys,

Last one. What is your favorite number?

Love,

T.H.D.

Dear T.H.D.,

Emmett: 69!

Edward: My phone number, of course.

Jasper: 5. I don't really remember what it was like when I was five years old, but it seems like it would be such fun. I'm just so jealous of those little toddlers. -pouts-

* * *


End file.
